April 1973. On the 28th day. I have no idea what time of day it is. For many reasons. The obvious one. I’ve just been born. The other reason as I write this nearly 52 years later. I wasn’t really there. Of course, I was, in body. No doubt, red faced, covered in post birth detritus screaming, wondering in my baby pea sized brain what the hell just happened!
Just a moment ago, I was floating amidst an Amniotic fluid sea of tranquillity within my warm amniotic sac of comfort. And then “all hell breaks loose” My walls start to shake, I’m getting thrown from one side to the other. Bizarre shapes keep pushing against the front wall of my home. I can hear muffled noises amongst the usual rushing noises I’m used to. And then, all of a sudden, my world as I knew it, it turned upside down. Literally! Up is down, down is up, I don’t know my left from my right (well, I haven’t been born yet, what do you expect, but you get my drift!) And over the next what seems like a lifetime (oh come on, I’m a baby! I have no concept of time!) I am pushed and pulled, squeezed and squashed.. and then there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. (What!?) I guess that’s what it must be like from in the inside looking out? I don’t know! Use your imagination! I’m having to! Then like a clown being fired out of a cannon at the circus.. whoosh! I’m here!!
Now there’s beeps, loud noises, bright lights. “Why is it so bloody bright out here!?” “And will you please keep the noise down!” “Oh, that noise?”
“Is me!”
I’m going for it. I’m screaming like a miniature Town Cryer on his first shift keen to impress. I’m letting everyone know that I’ve arrived, and I want to go back to where I came from, because as far as I can tell. This ain’t great!
“Get your hands off me” “Unhand me you fiend” I am no doubt thinking!
“Put me down!” “Where’s my Union Rep!?”
I’m sure it went down like this. Probably!
No doubt, I was wrapped in swaddling. Rolled up like a mini human Barito and handed to my no doubt exhausted mother. I guess, and this is a complete guess. The proceeding events weren’t too much of a shock to her as my eldest brother had been born 18 months earlier. She at least had some previous birthing experience to fall back on.
I say this now, as a father, after witnessing my wife go through an incredibly traumatic experience birthing our first child. (I will write more on this later) The human race would have been over a very long time ago if it wasn’t for women like my mother. Women all over the world who give birth daily, experiencing untold pain, both physically and mentally. Often for unimaginable lengths of time. The pain levels women endure is something men couldn’t possibly imagine or go through.
I write that as a man. If childbirth were left to men, there would be no human race. And if you’re one of those idiotic men reading this thinking I’m talking out my arse or ass for my American audience, and you can’t understand what all the fuss is about regarding childbirth. You my friend need to go take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Have you seen what us men are like when we have the “common cold!?” You’d have thought we’d been infected with the rarest, most heinous bacteria ever known to mankind! Unable to move, laying there feeling sorry for ourselves like some crusty snotty sweaty vomit pile!
I know, I’ve been one of those crusty snotty sweaty vomit pile idiots before! You soon learn not to be!
I digress. If there’s one thing I am good at. It’s digressing. If there had been an exam course at school or college in digressing. I would have aced it. Top of the class. I could have gone on to do a degree in digressing. A PhD even! Sadly however, I am as educated as your average housefly. And have the attention span of one too!
April, 1973. The 28th day. Basildon hospital in Essex United Kingdom is where I emerged to begin this thing we call life.
And well, “tweak my butt cheek and call me Nigel” It’s certainly had it’s moments.
Thank you for reading Part One. See you soon for Part Two.
Baked Potato (see you later)
DomG x
Happy Birthday Dom! I did not know you were from Basildon! I lived a great chunk in (whispers) East Tilbury! X